TEXAS FOOD: 
CHILI COOK OFF

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Durango was peacefully watching the passing throngs when picked by a heavy set woman looking for volunteers at the Chilsom Trail Roundup at the Fort Worth Stockyards. Volunteers to judge a chili contest. Durango was intrigued by the chili contest concept. But wondered why he was picked from among the throng?

Did his girth look as if it could consume large amounts of beans?

Or was he picked because he raised his hand when she asked if there were any Yankees in the crowd?

There were assurances given by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that hot, and besides, they said there would be some beer product called Shiner Bock during the tasting to quench the heat.

So with only slight trepidation the offer to judge chili was accepted.

Below are the judges' notes from this event.


CHILI # 1
MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

DURANGO: Yikes! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two of this Shiner Bock stuff to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Shiner Bock seems tasty though.


CHILI # 2
ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

DURANGO: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3
FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

DURANGO: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. Everyone knows the routine by now get me More beer before I ignite. The heavy set woman pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.


CHILI # 4
BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

DURANGO: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? The heavy set woman keeps bringing me more beer. She doesn't look so fat to me anymore.


CHILI # 5
LULU'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

DURANGO: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I am developing a flatulence problem and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, The heavy set woman saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? I really take umbrage that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Hick rednecks!


CHILI # 6
VERNA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

DURANGO: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.. No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I want to sit on a snow cone.


CHILI # 7
SATCHELL'S SCREAMERS CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

DURANGO: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8
CUSTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

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