After morning coffee and some breakfast bars everyone except Trotsky and
Leo took a ride  on the Sunriver bike trails. An incredible 30 plus mile
asphalt bike trail system runs all through Sunriver. Our morning ride took
us along the Deschutes River, by the horse stable, by the Skyport Houses
(accessed from the airstrip), by the Village Mall. It was pleasant. There
were no psychotic episodes. At least no major ones.
After the ride Zelda made delicious fruit smoothies. In the late morning
Jack, Trotsky and I took off to drive to the trailhead of our first, and
what would be my only, mountain bike ride of the trip. We were heading for
the Cultus Lake Trail up towards Mount Bachelor. But, as usual, Jack
displayed the irony of his many advanced education degrees and illiterately
misread the map. After driving in the wrong direction for about 10 miles I
asked to see the map, correctly plotted our course, got Jack turned around,
headed back to Sunriver, took the correct road and eventually got us to the
trailhead, but not before Jack had repeated emotional crises due to
chipmunks which were darting out on the road, causing him to almost tip over
the Isuzu again and again. These near tipovers occurred a month before
Consumer Reports issued its first unsafe vehicle warning in a decade,
targeting the killer Isuzu.
What does Anal Retentive
Mean??
By the time we reached the trailhead, Jack
urgently required a restroom facility. Being in a primitive campground he
armed himself with a wad of toilet paper and ran off into the woods looking
for an outhouse. Trotsky fiddled with his bike, like he always does. But
then Trotsky needed something out of the Isuzu. Before I could stop him, he
opened the door, setting off the ticking bomb-like noise which I knew would
end with the horrible air-raid siren going off. About 30 seconds after the
siren started we saw Jack running back out of the woods, his pants barely
up, trailing toilet paper behind him, desperately clicking on the remote key
to try to kill the alarm.
After that episode, the bikeride was okay. Jack went about a mile before
his bike had its first flat. Trotsky had a spectacular bike wreck and landed
on his backpack. After the ride Jack misread the map and got confused on the
drive back to Sunriver and missed our turn. Again.  Once
back at Hell Lodge, I took a nap, having not slept the night before, I was
tired. By the time I woke up Jack and Trotsky and the teenager Leo had gone
into Bend on another ride. Lulu talked me into driving her and Zelda into
Bend to buy groceries. The grocery shopping was not too psychotic. Lulu
bought chicken. I bought a sleep aid.
The Sunriver Madness Begins
Back
at Hell Lodge, elaborate cooking rituals began. A gas propane barbecue was
rolled out. Lulu stuffed the fatty chicken with butter. Within minutes of
beginning to cook, the butter-laden chicken went to flame. I rescued the
charred birds from the grill. Butter was spewing like fireworks. I believe
it was from this point the Sunriver Madness began.
Zelda cooked fresh corn and boiled the life out of fresh green beans and
somehow peppered them, rendering them inedible, except by Trotsky, who
babbled something about it being bourgeois to waste food. After dinner Zelda
got into her cups and began to down a large quantity of some frozen
concoction with a high alcohol content. Lulu imbibed a bit less. However
Lulu began to affect the behavior patterns of a sloppy slurring drunk. Then
she insisted everyone assist her with her giant puzzle. All did so, except
for Jack, who had passed out, and Trotsky, who sat in a corner reading
newspaper articles, out loud, about the world's largest smelly flower.
Zelda Hears the Noise
That night
the bat attacks were louder. No one had believed me about the bats, so I
went downstairs and found Zelda still awake. I forgot to mention, we had
earlier gotten down to wearing nothing in an impromptu game of strip poker,
so it wasn't embarrassing that both of us were virtually naked in our
bedtime-sweltering heat-skimpy clothes. Zelda came upstairs  and into my room. At first she did not believe my bat story
because there was no noise. But then she put her ear to the wall and Zelda
heard the bats. At about the point where both our ears were to the wall,
Lulu burst into the room, without knocking. I will spare you the details of
Lulu's diatribe, suffice to say it was totally inappropriate. Zelda and I
are a little older than 21, after all. We can listen to bats in the walls,
alone, if we so desire.
Thursday began with the usual morning bikeride through Sunriver. The
purpose was for Jack to take a bunch of photos. We stopped at the Village
Mall to buy groceries so Zelda could whip out something called Krona
Pancakes. We stopped at a coffee shop where Jack drank an espresso. When we
got up to leave, Jack walked away without his camera. I tried, twice, to
tell Jack he'd left his camera. Zelda heard me and we both sort of shrugged
and I then picked up the camera and stuck it in the grocery bag. Back at
Hell Lodge Jack realized the camera was missing. He went into panic mode and
rushed to the Isuzu. I got the camera out of the bag and waved it at him.
Jack seemed grateful once he realized what had happened.
Jack Pitches a Fit
The Krona
Pancakes were very good. After breakfast we planned to kayak the Deschutes
River. Getting to the Kayak Marina involved another series of Jack driving
confusions. The kayak float was fun and without incident except for Lulu
telling Trotsky that she needed a time-out from his constant ranting. At the
end of the kayak float a Marina bus picks up the floaters to return to the
Marina. Once in the bus Jack thought it was the height of hilarity to squirt
water on my neck. Back in the Isuzu I was sitting behind Jack when I
returned the favor. Jack then lost his temper and verbalized his extreme
displeasure.
When he saw the appalled looks on everyone's face he realized committed a
slightly hypocritical faux pas, and muttered something about he and I now being
even.
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Lulu Pitches a Fit
Back at Hell
Lodge, Jack and Trotsky took off somewhere on another bikeride. I had no
desire to ride with them. The teenager, Leo, spent a few hours organizing
the refrigerator and mixing a variety of drinks. His mother praised his
efforts, the effect of which was to cause us to have a constant supply of
kool-aid, which no one drank. After praising Leo, Lulu then did the classic
double-bind thing and began criticizing him for some minor thing, the detail
of which escapes my memory at present. I came to Leo's defense. Lulu then
came unglued and declared she would not participate in the evening's Line
Dancing lesson at the Village Mall. She then locked herself in her room to
sulk. Leo and I decided to assuage his mother's demented overreaction.
Eventually Lulu came out of her room, ready to go Line Dancing. Wearing one
of her more odd clothing concoctions, which struck me as particularly
ironic, because it was something about Leo's appearance which Lulu had
criticized, which had led to the ugliness.
Anyway, Lulu has an interestingly shaped body. Her legs are quite shapely
and not at all covered with cellulite, which is what one would expect on the
legs of a self-admitted obese person. But there is something about the
architecture of Lulu's butt which causes the skirts she wears to look sort
of like she's got an umbrella for underwear, like one of those bustle things
they used to wear in the Old South.
So, with Lulu dressed like a country queen who's had reverse
liposuction of the butt, we piled into the Isuzu to head to the Village Mall
for our Line Dancing lessons. Due to Lulu's temper tantrum we were an hour
late. So the price for the lessons had been discounted to a buck each.
Somehow I was made to pay for everyone. We got into the line. A very old
lady in white go-go boots was our instructor. Jack and Lulu's limited
attention span caused them to quickly give up. Trotsky did not even try,
claiming line dancing to be a tool of the ruling elite designed to be an
opiate for the masses, or something like that. Zelda would not let me quit
the line dancing even though it was excruciating.
Eating Disorders
When the
lesson's finally ended it was about 9 PM. Jack had not eaten all day long so
it was time for one of his periodic mass consumptions of food. We found a
Mexican Restaurant with outside dining. It was very cold and some hideous
non-band banged out an annoying drum racket which made the ambiance even
more miserable. Much food was ordered. Because of the late hour I was not
hungry, so I just got a taco. Jack ordered a couple combination plates and 5
bowls of chips. Once the food arrived those connoisseurs of gourmet tastes,
Lulu, Jack and Zelda declared the food inedible. So they proceeded to pass
it all down to the Commie Trotsky, who had not ordered anything, because it
was some class issue, but he was willing to eat everyone's leftovers.
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The Sunset View from the deck
of Hell Lodge.
Hell Lodge is reflected in the water in the inset
photo
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Back at Hell Lodge, after the Mexican Indigestion, Zelda got into her
cups again. Lulu fixated on her puzzle. Jack passed out. Trotsky ranted. And
Leo played Solitaire. I tried to maintain my sanity. About midnight I went
to bed. The bats were quieter that night.
The next morning it was decided we were going to all explore the Newberry
Volcanic National Monument with something called Paulina Peak as our
destination. Jack, Trotsky, Zelda and I planned to bike down from Paulina
Peak on something Jack told us was called the Paulina Plunge. The bikes were
loaded on the Isuzu. Jack drove. Jack claimed he knew the distances
and directions. As we left Sunriver, Jack once more turned the wrong
direction. I got him turned around. Once we got on the correct road it
quickly became apparent that Jack's plan to ride the bikes all the way from
Paulina Peak to Sunriver was a total no-brainer. It was 27 miles til we
turned off on the road which led to Paulina Peak. It was another 13 miles to
the Ranger Station where we were told the road up Paulina Peak was
treacherous and that there had been many bear sightings in the
area.
The Final Meltdown Begins
After
driving over 40 miles from Sunriver we were finally heading up the rather
adventurous road to the top of Paulina Peak. About halfway up Lulu had a
panic attack. She covered her head with a paper bag. We entered a tree zone
and Lulu calmed down. Then we entered a drop off zone and Lulu had a total
breakdown. She screamed for Jack to stop the car, she screamed all sorts of
ugly invective at him. She got out of the Isuzu and began walking down the
road! We drove ahead to look for a turn around. I told Jack he and Trotsky
could do the bikeride, that'd I'd take Lulu and everyone else back down to
Sunriver. We got turned around, and about a half mile down the road we came
upon Lulu sashaying down the road.
We stopped. Lulu started yelling at Jack, telling him that he always does
this, always misplans everything, on and on she went. Trotsky and I
commented on what joy it must be to be married. Finally I took command, as I
often must when dementia reigns. I told Jack to take off on his ride. I told
Lulu to get in the Isuzu. I told Jack I'd come back and get him.
The ride back down Paulina Peak was uneventful. Jack is a horrible driver
and everyone's nerves had been set on edge by his incompetent overspeeding
on corners, so it did not take long for my calm driving style to have
everyone happy again. Except Lulu. I drove us around and explored the
Volcano. Then I drove us back to Sunriver. About 6 I decided it was time to
drive all the way back to try and find the bikers. I expected to find Jack
and Trotsky somewhere along  the
highway. But they were not to be found. I drove all the way back up that
miserable road and was talking to the Ranger when Jack and Trotsky popped
out of the trail. They seemed grateful that I had returned to rescue them
from what had turned into a disastrous bike ride, during which, surprise,
Jack had gotten lost.
Mount St. Lulu Erupts
Back at
Sunriver, at Hell Lodge, Lulu started verbalizing her displeasure at Jack again. A raspy rant of
shocking whiny invective. Jack then went into that affected public smooching
thing they do, til the others began to experience mutual gag reflexes at the
wanton display of public affection. Lulu went on and on how this was going to be the last bike trip, that
she never gets to do anything, that she's sick of always waiting for him.
Now keep in mind this was intended to be a Bike Trip to Bend. It was not
supposed to be a Baby-Sit Lulu Trip. Also keep in mind that just the day
before Lulu had gotten to go kayaking. Not to mention line
dancing.
Jack Counter-Erupts
Jack got mad
at Lulu and stormed off to sulk in his room. Lulu followed. After a short
time an eruption of screaming and yelling exploded out of the room, through
the house, into the woods. Security alarms were set off. Sirens began to
wail. It was ugly. It was the worst bout of screaming I had personally
witnessed since the macabre incident when Jack began yelling at full volume
at some nice receptionist at Excalibur in Vegas, because he didn't
understand what she was asking him. That was one more ugly incident where I
had to intervene and diplomatically smooth over the neurotic firestorm. This
entire episode was feeling very deja vu, and we were all afraid that the next act
was all too predictable.
As the yelling abated, Trotsky announced he could take it no longer, he
was going to go into Bend for the evening, to drown his sorrows at the
Deschutes Brewery. Zelda and I and Leo prepared to go on a bike ride. We
were shocked and a bit uncomfortable when Jack and Lulu emerged from their
shouting match to announce they, too, were going on the evening bike
ride.
And so we all pedaled into the evening.
A Public Brouhaha
About a mile
into the trails, Zelda and I noticed Jack and Lulu had disappeared. I went
back to find them. Screaming at each other. On the trail. In public.
Security was summoned. I begged the pair to put a cork in it.
When I met up with Zelda, I told her it was ugly, let's ditch them,
let's just go on a ride. And so Zelda and I and Leo went on a ten mile plus
ride. It was very enjoyable. When we returned to Hell Lodge, Jack and Lulu
were in their lovey-dovey mode, putting that damn puzzle together!!
The evening labored on to it's close. The puzzle finally finished, Jack
and Lulu went to bed. Zelda and I stayed up talking about the past day. I
verbalized my total disgust. Zelda begged me to let her ride home with me
the next day, if the dementia had not abated by morning. I was agreeable,
but appalled at the suggestion that the psychotic immaturity would spill
into the next day. But it did. Spill over. Into the next day.
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The Dawn of the Last day at
Hell Lodge |
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Lulu Commits Unpardonable Faux
Pas
When we awoke to my last day at Hell Lodge we were amazed to find Jack and Lulu acting all hunky dory and happy. This was a
good sign. When Trotsky showed up I grilled him about his night at the
Deschutes Brewery. He regaled me with tales of his assignation with a pair
of compu-bimbos he met over a beer. I walked outside. Lulu followed me. She
was wearing her patented look of madness. Suddenly she began spewing venom at me.
I was totally shocked. I looked at Lulu
and tried to understand what purpose she thought she was serving; but to no
avail. I shut the door of my van, started the
engine and slowly watched the Sunriver Madness disappear in my rear view
mirror.
It was a good drive home.
*Durango recovered from the Sunriver Meltdown....
**Durango moved to Texas, where Lulu is not allowed....
***Jack still has no idea where he is....
****Zelda returned to her husband....
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